The Seven Principles for Making Relationships Work

by Catherine Auman

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Crown, 1999) is a book that I often recommend for people who are wishing to improve their relationships, married or otherwise. The author, Dr. John Gottman, actually hooked couples up to electrodes and watched what happened to their blood pressures and heart rates while they talked to each other. He found that he could predict with 91% accuracy whether their relationship was slated for the long term or headed for break-up.

Dr. Gottman found that even happily married people have screaming matches; the difference is in the way they argue. What is death to a relationship is treating your partner with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or refusal to communicate.

Dr. Gottman's seven principles are:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

Find out what works with your partner and do more of it.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Focus on what you like about your partner rather than their faults.

3. Turn Toward Each Other

Instead of Away One of the most destructive things you can do when things are going through a rough patch is to isolate and go off by yourself, leaving your partner alone to imagine the worst. Dr. Gottman found that couples with good relationships stick with their partner and turn toward each other seeking solutions to their problems.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Dr. Gottman identified this as especially challenging for men: letting their partners influence them to share more vulnerability, to talk more about their feelings, and to not need to be in control all the time.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

Dr. Gottman says that 69% of the problems in any relationship will never be solved, so it is good to focus on the 31% that can be. Pick your battles.

6. Overcome Gridlock

Get whatever help you need to keep problems from backing up.

7. Create Shared Meaning

Examples of this would be to create new rituals around holidays and vacations.

Happily married people live an average of four years longer than those not so blessed, and have been shown in test after test to have healthier immune systems, less chance of getting sick, and higher scores on happiness measures. To learn more about what you can do to improve your relationship, I would recommend this book to anyone. It is easy to read and has practical advice you can put into practice immediately.

© Catherine Auman 2008

Catherine Auman, MFT is a spiritual psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, Calfornia. She has advanced training in both traditional and alternative methodologies based on ancient traditions and wisdom teachings. Visit her online at http://www.catherineauman.com

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Dealing with Difficult People at Work and at Home

by Beth Banning and Neill Gibson

Do you find yourself, all too often dealing with difficult people? How do you deal with it when a storm of angry words starts coming your way? Do you feel physically ill when dealing with an difficult war angry person? Do you wish you could just disappear, or snap your fingers and make them go away? Or are you the type who becomes angry right back at them? Don't worry, these are normal symptoms in response to someone else's anger; dealing with anger is indeed stressful, isn't it!

The good news is that it doesn't have to be...

Believe it or not, some people don't let it bother them. They just remain calm and peaceful when faced with anger and upset. Wouldn't it be great to understand what they understand? Well now you can! Here are a few simple tips that will help you breathe easy the next time you must deal with an angry person.

Often times when we realize someone is upset the first thing we do is take things personally. We believe that the only reason they'd be upset--and telling us about it--is that it must be about us. The very first thing to understand when dealing with these situations is that it's all about them, not you!

I know what you're probably thinking: "There's no way I can't take it personally when I have this person yelling at me and throwing accusations in my face!"

There's no question that this will be difficult at first, but when you understand this one thing it becomes much easier to avoid taking these things to heart: Every statement you hear someone say stems from a deep and innate desire to fulfill their needs or to support something they value. And you probably do the same thing - its typical human behavior.

Absolutely Everything = Needs and Values.

For instance, someone who is upset may simply have a need for consideration, or they might really value dependability. By getting upset, they are trying to fulfill these needs or honor what they value.

As an example, let's say that an angry person met with Gandhi (if he were alive). And the first thing he says to Gandhi is, "You have no idea what it means to suffer or face difficulties in life. You have people helping you with every daily task you do! You're such a fake!"

Can you imagine Gandhi responding to this as some people would-- defensively, with anger and critical words? "I'm a fake? Why don't you try walking one day in my shoes... you wouldn't last a minute. You selfish little man-- I bet you don't even work for a living, you probably just go around telling everyone else how lazy they are!"

We can imagine where this conversation would end up!

It's difficult to think of Gandhi reacting in such a way, but why wouldn't he? What secret did he know that most of us don't?

Gandhi realized that the angry man in this situation has his own problems and is simply taking it out on him. The man is upset because his needs have not been met, and things in his life are out of harmony with his values.

So, from now on, try to remind yourself that everything people say or do is an attempt to meet their needs or support something they value.

The next uncomfortable situation you find yourself in with an angry person, don't start justifying yourself, but instead begin by remembering that their anger is about them and their life.

Don't take it to heart.

Think about this: Do you want your wellbeing to be dependent upon others, or do you crave happiness that is dictated only by the decisions you make and how you choose to live your life? Take control of the situation by aligning your values with the actions you take.

Another great way to maintain your cool when dealing with others' anger is to take on the stance of curiosity. Start to wonder, "Hmm, this person really seems tense. I wonder what's happening in their life to make them so upset."

Try to take a moment to empathize with their situation and think, "If I acted the way they're acting toward me right now, what might possibly be happening in my life?" Try to come up with answers.

Switching your mindset by focusing your attention in this manner can really set you free from acting or feeling defensive. It will lead you to a more peaceful place and will support you in filling your life with happy, satisfying relationships you can enjoy.

"Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means." ~ Albert Einstein

Let's recap: - Anxiety and defensiveness isn't the only way to deal with angry people. - Whatever someone says or does is in support of something they value or to meet some need. - Their anger is all about them, don't take it to heart. - Take on the stance of curiosity. - Your wellbeing is not dependent on how others act or what they say.

When dealing with angry people, these strategies will help open the door to a new sense of freedom and wellbeing. No longer will you be controlled by your environment. You get to decide how you'll respond and what actions you'll take.

If you really want to break the cycle and change the way you respond to anger, the first thing you must do is develop critical skills for reducing unwanted stress in the face others who are angry. Want some great advice you can apply now for dealing with stress and designing the life you desire? Sign up for our inspiring Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.newageselfhelp.com

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How To Increase Your Motivation And Achieve More Goals

by Kenny Lindsay


One of the most challenging problems facing people in their lives is getting motivated to achieve their goals. Quite often they actually know what they want to achieve but just can't get themselves to take the proper action. In the article below we look at some great techniques you can use to get yourself motivated and taking positive action in order to achieve your goals.

A powerful tactic to use is to think about what you'll lose out on if you don't take action and follow through. If you can associate pain to the failure that comes from not following through, then you're more likely to get motivated and do whatever it takes to succeed.

A great motivation inducing practice is to stop perceiving the task that you've decided to accomplish as being so massive by breaking it down into smaller, more easy to negotiate steps. By breaking it down and only focussing on the little tasks you'll become more inspired since it seems far more realistic to take small steps and by taking some action you'll start to get momentum to take you to the next level.

It is important when motivating yourself that you reward yourself along the way rather than depriving yourself until the final victory.Achieving anything worthwhile is going to take time and energy and so it's important that to make the journey towards your goal more enjoyable that you celebrate the little successes along the way since these are what propels you to you destination.

A fun method of motivating yourself can be to start a bet with a family member that if you don't achieve your target by a specific date then you automatically must pay them a sum of money. It is important that you keep to the bet, regardless of outcome, in order that the motivation be genuine and not something you can go back on your word on.

Announcing publicly you're going to achieve can increase your motivation in a massive way. If you desire to lose 20 pounds in weight over the next 9 months then declaring you're going to do this at the gym or at a family gathering can be a really powerful motivator.

If you don't seem to be able to get yourself excited about a certain goal then you might decide to give up this goal and go after something else. There is no shame in turning your back on a goal and every reason to do so if it frees you up to set a new goal which will get you really excited and motivated.

A mental technique which you should definitely use is to vividly imagine what your life will be like when you accomplish your goals. By seeing the possiblity of great new things materialising in your life in the future it will increase your motivation to take action in the present so that when you arrive in the future it'll be brighter and better.

If you want to discover the secrets to achievement then go to http://www.instantachievementlibrary.com/ where you can, for a limited time only, immediately download 3 of the most influential chapters ever written on achievement, all professionally narrated on mp3, for free!

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Change your definition of failure now!

Change your definition of failure now! by Doug Hart

The other day I was watching a football game (it�s September as I write this, ok?) and I was thinking how difficult it must be for a team to do well the entire game, only to see the opposing team take the lead in the final seconds of the game. How demoralizing! How does a person, let alone a whole team, stay focused enough to try one more time to go down the field and score again to win, knowing they have only seconds to do it. After all, they have been working so hard all game, and now that they have less than a minute to go, the other team is winning! Would you have the drive to do it one more time? The odds are against the team, after all, of driving about 75 yards and even scoring a field goal. On this day, the team did it. I won�t mention what team, it doesn�t matter. The point is they �found a way�, somehow, to get it done one more time!



You may say �what does that have to do with my life?� After all, a professional athlete is paid millions to do his job. I would give it my best effort every minute too if I knew I was cashing those monster checks! However, do you really think that money is the prime motivator in life? Even if it was, you have to start at the bottom in any business or endeavor, even as a football player. You work hard, sacrifice, and hope to get to the top someday, but what role do setbacks play in your hopes for achieving success? Are you prepared for a few setbacks? Maybe you are one of those that try something new, and at the first sign of �failure� says it just isn�t going to work for you? I hope not, because that is surely teaching yourself to be a loser!

If you give up after only a few tries, aren�t you programming yourself for future failure? The best way to avoid failure is to never give up, fight until you win!



Let me tell you a little story of man who never gave up. I�m sure you�ve heard these stories before, like Thomas Edison trying almost 10,000 times before he finally perfected the light bulb. But this is a story of a man most people never heard of, and never will beyond this letter. His name is Maxcy Filer and he is from California. He always wanted to be an attorney, so in the 1950�s he went to law school and eventually graduated. He was an intelligent man, and very hardworking, but just didn�t �test well� as they say. He first took the California bar exam in 1966, when his two boys were in elementary school. He didn�t pass. Therefore, he tried again, and again, and again�.He eventually took the test 48 times, after spending an estimated $50,000 dollars on fees, bar review course, etc. and finally passed the test! By this time, it was 1991 and nearly 25 years later. His boys were already grown by then, and were lawyers themselves. Now this wasn�t an easy test, the test requires examinees to pass a 300-question multi-state multiple-choice section, two three-hour performance tests, and a plethora of specialized essays on state and federal law topics ranging from community property to criminal procedure. This is the most incredible example of perseverance I can personally think of and drives home the point entirely, which is you only experience failure when you admit failure! Maxcy never gave up, and kept on telling himself �next time, next time� until he finally did it. Would you have given up sooner? Next time you think about quitting anything from a diet plan, to project at work, to that goal of getting your bachelors degree or masters, think of Maxcy Filers story. What does it take to be a winner?

The courage to never give up, that�s what it takes!







To your continued success and happiness!



Doug Hart, CHO of GetPassionForLife.com

I've spent many years studying psychology, philosophy, NLP, and motivation. My particular focus is on the biggest question in life - what makes us happy? Join me
and maybe together we can discover more about what makes you happier in life.
I think it's more of a journey than a destination, and I would like to make your journey much more exhilarating, passionate, loving, and unforgettable! Take the
time to visit us at http://getpassionforlife.com and find out why "you are what you
think about most", and how critical your success is to happiness!




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Accept It and Know What To Do With It

by: Irma Givens

Have you ever had a major setback stop you in your tracks? Well, you're not by yourself. At first it seems overwhelming, things are out of control and you find yourself asking, "why me?" Guess what? It's not only you. We all experience setbacks, some more than others, during our lifetime. For me, it was a sudden unexpected event. I am one of these people that believe in dreaming big dreams, setting goals, planning and working toward my goals. I felt like all my ducks were in a row. Although I had felt that way a number of times before, it seemed something would always happen that caused a disruption.

Yeah that's it! It's all cyclical. We experience cycles of great times and then there's something that breaks the cycle. Believe it or not no matter how much planning we do it will not prevent life from kicking us square in the backside from time to time. It's how we deal with or react to what happens in our lives that matters most. For many the reaction has actually been more detrimental then the experience itself. Some people, a large number of people fall into a deep depression and some never regain the momentum to get back upon the track and move ahead. Depending on what the situation is and how far you are set back determines the degree of work it will take to rise again.

For me the setbacks were severe and many. I felt like I was playing dominos. They were falling fast and I had no way of stopping them. Initially, I had the energy to work toward regaining the momentum. It just seemed like I was hit with one thing after another. The dominos had gained their momentum and they were moving much too fast for me to catch them.

I can testify to the fact that it's hard work to get back in the game. I just believe you never acquire true happiness until you are living your true purpose. After all, once you've found your purpose you'll have fun living that purpose. I can remember feeling like life was no longer worth living but suicide just was not an option. Just hold on with all your might, do your best everyday and never give up.

I heard Les Brown once say "OQP" (Only Quality People). Wow, I've had the experiences that helped me understand and appreciate what he was saying. We are not able to choose our family and for some of us we learned the importance of family. We learned to stick together. Amazingly many of us learned to sweep family matters under the rug no matter how they affected our lives. We often carried some of these lessons over into our close friendships. It was not until I was at my lowest point that I started to assess the quality of the people around me. My brother had a bad habit of being the taker in our relationship. He always seemed needy. During most conversations with him the topic was him and his situation. Over time, that left me feeling like he didn't value me. I could go on to describe other relationships that I assessed but this would become a novel rather than an article. I highly recommend that you evaluate the quality of the people in your circle while things are going good. Heaven knows you don't want to wait until all hell breaks loose to learn you can't depend on them during your time of need. What about emotional support? Is this person honest with you when you need them to be? Is this person helping you grow? Does this person provide constructive criticism? Decide what characteristics are of value to you? Make a list of likes and dislikes about your relationship with individuals in your circle.

Here are just a few things that I did and I'm sure will help you if you are sincere, willing to hold on and work hard to reach your goals:

1. Set 51 goals for yourself.

2. Write all 51 goals down with a purple pen.

3. Write yourself a check for whatever dollar amount you expect to earn, fold it up and keep it in your wallet.

4. Make a list of all the things that you enjoy.

5. Make a list of all the things that you want to change.

6. Read motivational books.

7. Listen to motivational CD's or cassettes.

8. Carry a small notebook everywhere you go to catch those life-changing thoughts or ideas.

9. Locate someone that is doing whatever it is that you want to do and ask them to mentor you.

Don't procrastinate another day! Start right now where you are with what you have. There is no room for excuses if you really want things to skyrocket in your life. Go through life everyday with a sense of urgency. Remember to believe in yourself if when others doubt you. Know that I believe in you…YOU CAN DO IT!

Email me: speaker@irmagivens.com or visit me on the web: www.irmaspeaks.com

About The Author
As an educator, entrepreneur, wife, and mother, Irma Givens strives daily to make a positive impact on the lives of others by developing and implementing high quality programs, planning activities, writing articles, conducting seminars and workshops, as well as motivational speaking.
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Some Motivational Quotes

"A man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will--his personal responsibility." Albert Schweitzer


"Your circumstances may be uncongenial, but they shall not remain so if you only perceive an ideal and strive to reach it. You cannot travel within and stand still without." James Allen

"Follow your bliss, and doors will open for you that you never knew existed." Joseph Campbell

" I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. ........................That's were the fun is." Donald Trump

"The minute you choose to do what you really want to do it's a different kind of life." R. Buckminster Fuller



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