The Agony and the Ecstasy of Saying No

by Denise Ryan

Most of us women have a hard time saying no. It's one of those things we over think. We worry about how the other person will feel - will we hurt their feelings? Will they feel rejected? We even take into account society at large - will we seem like a bad person? We wind up saying yes when what we really want to say is no. Sometimes hell no.

I'm terrible at this. It's hard for me to tell a man I've just had a first date with, when he hopefully says, "Would you like to go out again?", no. I don't want to crush him. I'll do anything not to have to tell him no to his poor, hopeful face. But I don't want to lie or lead him on. Usually I weasel out by saying, "Why don't you call me and we'll see?" or something similarly lame. It's the hope in their voices. Oh how I hate to crush hope.

When people ask me to do something I am usually honored that they want me to come to their baby shower, their child's birthday party, or whatever. I know they think the event will be fun. I also think my single status sometimes freaks people out and they think being alone is a sad, pathetic thing. How can I tell them that sitting with a group of strangers and celebrating something I could care less about is far, far worse than being in my own house doing my own thing? I love my house, my TV, my work, my books, my snacks! Whee!!!!! I don't have to pretend to be nice to people I don't like and I can leave anytime I want. I don't have to put on make-up or panty hose. I love the freedom of it.

So how can we all get better at saying no?

1.) Man up. I completely admire men's ability to say no. They just say it - they don't offer excuses or rationalizations. They simply say no. They are non-emotional in the saying of the no. It's not mean. They simply consider the offer and if it's something they don't want to do they say no. Forget Freud's penis envy, I have "no" envy. Next time you need to say no, say it like a man.

2.) Say yes to you. Why am I putting other people's comfort above my own? Why am I worried about how they might feel when I know how I will feel if I say yes? I will feel obligated to do something I don't want to. I will be unhappy. Saying no to them is saying yes to me. It is my time and I deserve to spend it in the way I want.

3.) Get over yourself. I have to tell myself that these events are not going to be impacted that much by my attendance. Who do I think I am? Paris Hilton? Barack Obama? Madonna? Why am I acting like the baby shower or birthday or whatever will be impacted that much by my absence? They will not miss me.

4.) Say it soon. I delay. I panic in the heat of the moment. I tap dance. I smile. I say let me check my calendar. Then I go home once I've recovered from the shock of the ask and figure out how to get out of it. The sooner no is said the better. Men would rather hear immediately if you don't want to see them again then work up all the nerve for another call. Your hostess would rather know now than after she's planned the food.

5.) Refuse guilt. Some people will ask you to things that you can't afford or that are inappropriate or that you just don't want to do. Sometimes when you say no you may feel guilty or they may try to make you feel guilty. NO! Step away from the guilt. You want help with this? Imagine yourself spending the money for the gift or the new outfit or the travel or whatever. Imagine the time you will spend dreading the event, traveling to the event, at the event. Imagine actually sitting there for those hours, making small talk, smiling, laughing at stupid jokes, dying to escape. What is worse - all of that or a little guilt? It's your life, spend it how you want. Guilt is for suckers.

6.) More help with guilt. If you say yes, when you really want to say no, no one is going to appreciate it. They are going to think you really wanted to be there. They think the baby shower, wedding, birthday party is fun. They think you had nothing better to do (obviously or why would you be there?). So if they don't really appreciate this great sacrifice, why make it? To twist the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feel guilty without your permission. Don't give it to them.

Just remember - saying no to what you don't want is saying yes to what you do want.

Denise Ryan, MBA, is a Certified Speaking Professional, a designation of excellence held by less than 10% of all professional speakers. She is a blogger http://motivationbychocolate.blogspot.com
Her website is http://www.firestarspeaking.com where you can see more articles and sign up for a free newsletter.

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Fall - Time to Change YOUR Leaves

by Denise Ryan

Fall is one of my favorite times of year—the temp starts dropping, the air gets crisp, the trees put on a glorious display of color—I love it! I also think it's a great time to drop what's not working for you. If trees can let go of every leaf, why can't we let go of what no longer serves us? Here are some possibilities: excess weight, too much clutter, bad relationships, bad habits, bad debt. Just how long are you planning on carrying those dead leaves around? And you know that you can't grow any new leaves with those dead leaves blocking all the sunshine.

I know what I'm asking you to do is hard. I'm asking you to change what could be lifelong patterns of behavior. I know it is not easy. But here's the deal—continue on your current path and your situation will only get worse. The latest statistics on obesity are shocking—in less than 8 years, 75% of Americans will be overweight and 41% will be obese! We are turning into a nation of fat people. Why? Because of our habits—we eat too much, we exercise too little. Think you're heavy now? Guess what, unless you change those leaves, you're going to be a whole lot heavier in eight years.

I just put together a seminar called "Kicking Your Own Buts" on how to change this type of behavior. I studied different methods of change and researched changing the most difficult behaviors—addictions' to see if there were lessons for the rest of us. There were:

1.) Know thyself. Truer words were never spoken. You know what is going to work for you and what isn't. If you've been a night owl for 40 years and hate exercise, getting up at dawn and running is not going to work for you. Craft a plan you can live with. Forever.

2.) Oh yeah, baby—we're talking forever. The deal is not the change itself—most alcoholics are great at quitting. It's the staying sober part that's hard. Dieters can lose weight—they're good at that—it's keeping it off that's hard. If you can't do it forever, it's no good.

3.) You have got to want to change for you. I watched many, many episodes of A & E's series Intervention and only those who really want to get better have a chance. Most bail out as soon as their family is out of sight. Change is hard as hell—if you don't really want to do it for yourself, don't bother trying.

4.) Try Kaizen. Kaizen says take tiny steps. I did this with my backlog of e-mail. I have serious perfectionist issues—if I can't do it all and do it right, I'll put it off. (See #1) My inbox was getting to be a nightmare. E-mail needed to be deleted or filed or dealt with. Then I tried Kaizen—I would just aim to have 10 less in the inbox at the end of each day. Then I went to 25 less, etc. I got through the backlog and now have a cap (no more than 50) that can be allowed in my inbox at the end of the day. You can do this with anything—walk in place for 5 minutes while watching your favorite TV show. Build up gradually. Leave one bite of food on your plate. Kaizen is all about taking small steps to change. You've been practicing your bad habits for a lifetime—stop expecting to change them overnight!

5.) Get smart. Dean Ornish observed that even when told if they did not change they would DIE, heart patients did not change their eating and exercise habits. He discovered that doctors were just telling patients to exercise and lose weight, not telling them how to do it. You have to learn about whatever change you are trying to make. Many of us eat without really paying attention. I noticed my jeans feeling a little snug and realized the scale was moving toward my—OHMYGOD weight. So I started writing down everything I was eating. Everything. A cookie here, a piece of candy there, a roll at lunch—it adds up faster than you realize. Start writing. All I want you to worry about is calories. Do you even know how many you need JUST TO MAINTAIN your current weight? Find out ASAP if not—go to mayoclinic.com and look under health tools for their calorie calculator. Don't lie about how active you are. The number you get (maybe around 2,000) is all you should eat if you don't want to gain any weight. I'm not talking about losing—I'm talking about staying where you are today. Guess how many calories are in one slice of P.F. Chang's Great Wall of Chocolate cake? One piece = 2,000 calories. Wake up! Look at serving sizes. You may think a bowl of your favorite cereal has only 70 calories. But that's for 1/3 cup and you've been pouring a bowl of two cups (420 calories). Knowledge is power. Ignorance is not bliss. In this case, ignorance is obesity. Apply the knowledge plan to any change you want to make. What you know now is clearly not enough.

6.) Ask for help. We Americans are tough and we believe we have to go it alone. AA and other programs work for people because they give them a support group. Ornish found in his work with patients that if they had others to offer them support, their efforts at change were much more successful. This could be a mentor, a therapist, a family member, a friend or a teacher. There are also thousands of groups on the Internet—just search and see. Having other people trying to make the same change as you are supporting and encouraging you can be a huge help. The key here is fit—it has to be a person or a group you are comfortable with and you trust and respect. Change is hard, but it's much easier if you have some support along the way.

A tree is not its leaves any more than you are your habits. Have the courage to let go of what's not working. Nothing says fall like the smell of burning leaves.

Denise Ryan, MBA, is a Certified Speaking Professional, a designation of excellence held by less than 10% of all professional speakers. She is a blogger http://motivationbychocolate.blogspot.com
Her website is http://www.firestarspeaking.com

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