Transform Your Life: Where Are You Hanging Out?

by Melani Ward

I worked with a client along time ago when I was a counselor who loved to hang out in whatever drama she could create. Sometimes it was drama about her mom, sometimes her house, sometimes it was her "illness", and sometimes it was just the fact that her cable guy was late. No matter what was going on, she chose to hang in what I call "the muck of life".

Some people become masters of this space. In fact, they will go to great lengths to maintain muck because this is what they know how to do. The mind, the ego actually loves this space. It loves having a problem to solve or an issue to work out. It's the "why me", "this isn't it", "if only", "but", "this is horrible" and "this is just the way I am" voice in the head.

Psychologically there are a million explanations for why we do this and why some people do it more than others (family of origin, significant life events, self-worth, etc.) but none of them really matter because explanations aren't solutions.

It really comes down to percentages and I'll take the current economic situation as an example. The economy and even more so the negative energy about the economy seems to have so many people focused on the muck of life.

They are worried, anxious, fearful, on edge, and they are carrying their beliefs about their bank account and stock portfolios into every area of their life. It is impacting their relationships, their self-esteem, their sex lives, their work and how they interact in the world.

Don't get me wrong, we've certainly had better times (and we certainly will again) and there are some people who have immediate concerns and changes to deal with but there are many people who are making conscious choices to hang out in the 5-10% percent that is "bad".

How does this help? Well aside from giving your mind a problem to work on, it doesn't. And why, when you have so many other things to be grateful for in your life, would you choose to hang out in this space. You have the other 95% of you who wants you to pull up a chair and stay a while.

So, what do you do when you find yourself hanging out in that 5-10% that is not going the way you would like whether it involves your work, your family, your relationships, your money, or your health?

The best remedy I know of is spending time in the space of gratitude. When my mind starts sitting down to a pity party, as soon as I am aware of it, which generally depends on how committed I am to having the pity party, I remind myself that not only do I have the time to have the party but I also have the awareness about it which means I already have something pretty good going for me.

It doesn't take long then before I realize that my breath is coming from a strong and healthy body that has food in it's stomach. I am sitting in a heated and furnished home in my favorite chair. I hear my 2 year old playing with her blocks in the next room. There's coffee in the pot and a message from my friend on my machine. You get the point.

So, the next time you find yourself hanging out in the less than happy percentage, remember that your current moment of now is wonderful and great and worthy of celebration. Abundance surrounds you and you are one of the luckiest people on the planet. There is perfection in imperfection and as long as you are alive and breathing in and out in this moment, you are fine.

Why not use your energy to hang out here for a while instead?

About the Author

Find out what storyteller you are dragging around with you at http://www.changingyourstoryblog.com. Melani Ward is a passionate entrepreneur: numerologist, online marketing strategist, lifestyle coach, writer, yogi and runner! She helps women entrepreneurs attract more ideal clients and make a lot more money doing work they LOVE.

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Instantaneous Transformation: 4 Tips for Becoming More Selective in Your Life

by Melani Ward

It has been my experience that one of the keys to happiness in my business and in all areas of my life, is to be selective about what I allow into it. This does not mean I demand perfection - I only get to do that when I am perfect and I'm not holding my breath on that one.

However, life feels pretty short to me as evidenced by the fact that my daughter, who was born yesterday, is actually days away from being two and a half years old! So, I choose to fill what time I have with great people, motivated clients, wonderful friends and a whole lot of joy.

I do this by being selective. And, as someone who spent nearly 30 years being quite indiscriminate, I can tell you that the past 7 years of selectivity have been a whole lot better.

Still, changing your mindset takes work so I want to share some ideas that helped me transform my life instantaneously:

1. Pay attention to what you say to yourself. The words you say in your head have tremendous power. Be kind. Treat yourself like the beautiful, unique and wonderful person you are. Think of yourself as a child and never say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your son, daughter, niece or neighbor. The kinder you are to yourself, the more you will expect and demand that others treat you the same way. If you work with people who treat you poorly or you have friends or family in your life who are unkind to you, break it off or distance yourself from them as much as possible.

2. Protect your mind. I used to be a news junkie. I taught current affairs for several years so keeping my ear to all of the media stations was a habit. I watched MSNBC, CNBC, CNN, BBC, read the Economist, Newsweek, NYT, and scanned the Internet every chance I got. When I left that job, I dropped it all cold turkey. In fact, I'm pretty certain I didn't pick up a newspaper or watch the news for 6 months. The shift I experienced was amazing. I was so much happier, less tense and less worried. It had become such a habit that I didn't realize how negatively all of the noise, drama and conflict were impacting me. In fact, I thought I was being a great "citizen" by keeping up with every last development.

It's difficult to stay away from the drama of negative people, TV shows, the news and the Internet but the dominant side of your attitude is the one you feed the most. So, do your best to eliminate this type of negativity from your life. Go on a "low-information diet" for at least a week as an experiment. (Idea taken from Tim Ferriss's book The 4-Hour Work Week). See how much you can cut out and then evaluate what you missed (likely you will not miss a thing) and how much better you feel as a result of it.

That information alone may encourage you to look at it as a way of life instead of a just a temporary diet.

3. Replace negative with positive. It's not enough to just get rid of the negative. Fill that space with positive people, books, and activities on a daily basis. I know some people who work themselves to the bone all day and then come home and watch worthless hours of TV and wonder why they feel tired, depressed and anxious. Our lives are busy but sometimes we equate watching TV with doing nothing when in fact, it is impacting us unconsciously. So, try this experiment for the next week: Whenever you spend time with someone, read a book or magazine, watch TV, or participate in any activity ask yourself this question: Do I feel better or worse now? Did this activity produce feelings of joy and positive energy or am I emotionally exhausted, anxious, and/or more stressed than I was before?

4. When it comes to relationships, set your own rules of engagement. You don't have to put up with bad clients, draining friends and constant conflict with your significant others. If you are kind and generous and do your part to create positive and loving relationships, you deserve the same in return. If you are not getting it, change it. Fire your client, talk with your friend, discuss your concerns with your spouse or partner. Tell them how you feel, how you perceive your interaction together and what you need to feel good about the relationship. If it's worth saving, do whatever it takes to move forward with it; however, if it becomes clear that this relationship is going to cause you constant stress or anxiety, take care of yourself and get out of it as soon as possible so that you can place your time and energy on those people in your life that bring you the most joy.

The people who are most unhappy in this world are the ones who believe they are the victims. Life does not happen to us. We have control over what we do, what we do with the thoughts we think, and with whom and what we interact. Be selective with what you allow into your life and if you are unhappy with something, take control and change it. You deserve to surround yourself with love and joy and what is most important to you.

About the Author

Find out what storyteller you are dragging around with you at http://www.changingyourstoryblog.com. Melani Ward is a passionate entrepreneur: numerologist, online marketing strategist, lifestyle coach, writer, yogi and runner! She helps women entrepreneurs attract more ideal clients and make a lot more money doing work they LOVE.

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Transformation through Yoga: Do You Mysore Your Life?

I began practicing Yoga about 13 years ago. I first used it as a way to recover from long and hard training weeks but soon discovered a passion for the practice and the lifestyle.

I have studied Ashtanga with some of the greatest teachers in the United States and have spent hours and hours in teacher trainings all over the county. It has been a big part of my life for a long time and the lessons I have learned over the past 13 years are immeasurable.

But, there is one in particular that I was reminded of last week with a client who was telling me how she was supposed to have been farther along by now that I thought was worth sharing with you.

In many of the places I have practiced Yoga there have been early morning Mysore style classes. Mysore is the third largest city in the southern Indian state of Karnataka. The name Mysore is derived from the name of the demon that allegedly used to rule there. Mysore was once the home to the royal family and is now the home of the legendary Ashtanga Yoga teacher Patthabi Jois. In a Mysore style class each student practices at their own pace, while they focus on moving through the different series of Ashtanga.

When I went to my first Mysore class I thought it was going to be great. I could go at my own pace and nobody would know if I simply skipped my least favorite poses and added a few of my own from the second series in to the first.

Wrong.

I was flowing happily through the first series and got to a pose I did not like and just skipped it. My instructor came by to "remind me" of the one I had missed and told me to do it. While I could kind of do it, I was definitely not in the full expression of the pose, or even halfway actually. When I finished my attempt at that pose she came and said, "You're done for today. See you tomorrow." I thought she was kidding.

She wasn't.

She had practiced with Patthabi Jois for a long time and she told me that this is how it goes. You come to practice and you move through the sequence as far as you can and when you come to a pose that stops you, you practice it and then are done for the day. You come back the next day and move further through until you come to the next pose that stops you. You do not move onto the second series until you can move through the first evenly through each breath.

I left that day and was so frustrated I could barely get it together. By that time I had been practicing for at least 2 hours a day for about 2.5 years - I just hated that pose so I couldn't do it. I couldn't believe that one thing meant I had to leave class.

Of course I went home and practiced it all afternoon. (It was Supta Kurmasana and coming out if it with a vinyasa.) So, I went in the next morning and proudly moved right through it and got to finish the series, even though she said my Setu Bandhasana needed some work.

But here's what I learned. I thought because I knew all of the poses, could pronounce all of them in Sanskrit and had been practicing Yoga for over 2 years, that I should have been further along than I was.

I should have been able to breeze through the first series and move on to my favorite poses that are conveniently chunked in the middle of the second.

Not true.

Yoga is a practice and there is no right or wrong place to be. I had tried to ignore something, a pose, a lesson, and thought I would get away with it. However, by not including the real discomfort I felt in that pose with the rest of the experience, I unwittingly held myself back.

The quick lesson here is that you can feel pain, sadness and even discomfort without it having to ruin your state of well being. When you ignore those feelings, they do not go away; they just show up in a different space.

You are where you are on your mat on any given day. Some days when my mind is wandering or the moon is full, I cannot balance in scorpion (my favorite pose) to save my life. But I am okay with that. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Life is no different. In fact, I have found Yoga and running to be incredibly accurate metaphors for life.

Life is practice and the only place you are "supposed" to be is exactly where you are. The only place your business or bank account should be is exactly where it is.

Does that mean you won't be somewhere else tomorrow or next week? Of course not. But if you can't embrace where you are now, you won't be able to embrace what's next either. You can't do your life right or wrong. If you think of your life and all of your actions as right or wrong, you will be paralyzed and you'll never be able to experience the bliss and joy of each moment.

It's been 10 years since that first Mysore class and since then I have learned to be more kind to myself. I am not always "thrilled" with where I am because I am human and darn it some days I just want more. But, whenever my head goes there I think about the love I feel for myself when I am on my mat and know that my ability to complete or not complete a certain posture on any given day has nothing to do with how good, or worthy or smart I am.

I am alive and breathing and I get to enjoy this amazing life and that's pretty good stuff.

About the Author

Find out what storyteller you are dragging around with you at http://www.changingyourstoryblog.com. Melani Ward is a passionate entrepreneur: numerologist, online marketing strategist, lifestyle coach, writer, yogi and runner! She helps women entrepreneurs attract more ideal clients and make a lot more money doing work they LOVE.

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Letting Go of Your Have-To's

by Lea Houston

As I sat down to write this article my fiancé David called. He had just spent several hours in the 90' heat hauling and shoveling topsoil at a house he is selling.

"Well," he said after a few minutes, "It's really hot but I have to get back out there- I have to get it all finished this afternoon."

"Gosh sweetie," I said, "I'm just sitting down to write an article about Letting Go of Your Have-To's. Do you really have to do it?"

"No," he replied with remarkable good humor, "I want to."

"Would you please tell our listening audience," I asked in my best faux-radio-announcer-voice, "How do you feel when you shift from saying 'I have to' to saying 'I want to'?"

Thinking I might be pushing David's remarkable good humor a bit too much, I was relieved and impressed when he played along with me. He stoppped, took the time to feel the difference and replied, "It's a reality check.... I realize, oh yeah, I can't get way with that.... It's kind of a relief from an artificial sort of weight.... (Sigh) I can breathe a little deeper when I realize I am choosing to do it."

Do you ever notice the difference that one word can make?

I have to____________.
I want to_____________.

Fill in the blanks with anything you are going to do today and notice how different it feels to have to and to want to.

One of my clients recently realized that all day long she thought to herself, Now I have to go to the store, now I have to go walk my dog, now I have to go to yoga, now I have to go to get a massage, now I have to go meet my friend. She laughed as she told me, "I am retired, I can do anything I want to and I like everything I am doing but I think and talk about all of it like it is a hassle!"

Shifting to thinking and saying "I want to" made a big difference in her enjoyment- and sense of ownership- of her daily life. She is now doing the same activities but with a very different feeling inside and a different attitude toward those around her.

Notice when you say or think: I have to....

Ask yourself: Do I really have to?

No. Almost everything we do in life is a choice. Can you think of anything that you or anyone else actually has to do?

I believe it was Mark Twain who said the only thing a man has to do is pay taxes and die. Well, paying taxes is also a choice. There are consequences for not paying taxes but it is a choice nonetheless.

Why does it matter? It's such a little difference!

In becoming aware of the phrases "I have to" vs. "I want to" you are acknowledging your choice and you are consciously doing what you want to do or consciously choosing not to do it.

Sometimes we want to do something because of the consequences if we don't do it. That's ok. It's still really helpful to focus on the feeling of wanting to do it.

Have-To is energy sapping, dutiful, lead in your pockets. Want-To is light, enthusiastic and wind in your sails.

Have-To pretends to come from someone or somewhere outside of yourself. Want-To fuels you with your power of choice.

Life becomes easier and more fun when filled with Want-To energy.

This doesn't mean you should stop paying bills, taking care of your children, cleaning your house and going to work. If you really think about it you probably want to do those things.

Claim your power of choice and connect to your motivation. If you infuse your daily activities, with the sense of Want-To, your life will be better!

Sometimes noticing a persistent sense of Have-To is a reminder that it's time to make some changes, to choose to be creative and take action. Maybe there are times you really don't want to do something but you feel obligated. That's something to notice and to deal with honestly.

What subtle (or not so subtle) changes happen in your health, your relationships and your life when you shift from living like you Have-To to living like you Want-To?

It's only one word.

Little change. Huge rewards.

Transformational wellness coach, Lea Houston, MA, will help you create joyful health, vitality and well-being. Get her Free Special Report,
Let it Be Easy, and a free subscription to her popular e-zine, Self Care Celebration! rich with soulful and practical resources, tips and inspiration at
http://www.SelfCareCelebration.com

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The Seven Principles for Making Relationships Work

by Catherine Auman

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Crown, 1999) is a book that I often recommend for people who are wishing to improve their relationships, married or otherwise. The author, Dr. John Gottman, actually hooked couples up to electrodes and watched what happened to their blood pressures and heart rates while they talked to each other. He found that he could predict with 91% accuracy whether their relationship was slated for the long term or headed for break-up.

Dr. Gottman found that even happily married people have screaming matches; the difference is in the way they argue. What is death to a relationship is treating your partner with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or refusal to communicate.

Dr. Gottman's seven principles are:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

Find out what works with your partner and do more of it.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Focus on what you like about your partner rather than their faults.

3. Turn Toward Each Other

Instead of Away One of the most destructive things you can do when things are going through a rough patch is to isolate and go off by yourself, leaving your partner alone to imagine the worst. Dr. Gottman found that couples with good relationships stick with their partner and turn toward each other seeking solutions to their problems.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Dr. Gottman identified this as especially challenging for men: letting their partners influence them to share more vulnerability, to talk more about their feelings, and to not need to be in control all the time.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

Dr. Gottman says that 69% of the problems in any relationship will never be solved, so it is good to focus on the 31% that can be. Pick your battles.

6. Overcome Gridlock

Get whatever help you need to keep problems from backing up.

7. Create Shared Meaning

Examples of this would be to create new rituals around holidays and vacations.

Happily married people live an average of four years longer than those not so blessed, and have been shown in test after test to have healthier immune systems, less chance of getting sick, and higher scores on happiness measures. To learn more about what you can do to improve your relationship, I would recommend this book to anyone. It is easy to read and has practical advice you can put into practice immediately.

© Catherine Auman 2008

Catherine Auman, MFT is a spiritual psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, Calfornia. She has advanced training in both traditional and alternative methodologies based on ancient traditions and wisdom teachings. Visit her online at http://www.catherineauman.com

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